Overwhelmed by Brigid Schulte

COLUMN

ANNIE HO

PUBLISHED : Tuesday, 26 August, 2014, 10:23am

UPDATED : Tuesday, 26 August, 2014, 10:23am

Book offers an antidote to intensive mothering

Annie Holife@scmp.com

For me, the period between the start of the school year and the end of the calendar year is traditionally even more hectic than usual. Earlier this year, I made a resolution to simplify my life.

To help me understand how I became so "time-starved", and what I could do about it, I read (and highlighted 40 per cent of the statements contained in) Brigid Schulte's Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time.

Schulte is an award-winning journalist whose book has given a comprehensive picture of being busy by interviewing sociologists, scientists, CEOs and at-home mothers.

She cites studies on leisure time, gender bias, the impact of technology, and the modern workplace.

First, Schulte explores today's expectation of busyness, this maniacal need to be productive and give meaning to our lives. Having children means we devote countless more hours to making their lives productive. Schulte moves on to "the cult of intensive mothering".

You are a part of this cult if you have ever wondered, aloud or silently, "Where can I find harp lessons for my two-year-old?" Or, "Should I start my six-month-old on Putonghua?"

Schulte writes: "Time studies show that mothers' time with children has been climbing steeply, at the expense of sleep, personal care and leisure, ever since 1985. Educated at-home mums have turned motherhood into a profession.

"The inertia of going along with doing what everyone else is doing becomes the default mode because it takes so much conscious effort to pull back."

Next, Schulte looks at the mental burden that seems to be the sole domain of mothers. Fathers help with childcare more than previous generations. But they are delegated tasks by mothers.

When mothers act as the "maternal gatekeeper" and are still in charge of everything, having a helpful spouse around does not necessarily translate into more free time for mothers.

One of Schulte's interviewees describes how a holiday often meant more work: "A resort vacation where even a swim with the dolphins was one more item to be checked off my to-do list, along with getting up early to grab seats by the pool, slathering sunscreen on kids. I perpetuated what I do at home."

True co-parenting means that husbands need to help their wives clear mental clutter. When my husband asks me what I want for dinner, he does so with the purest of intentions. He recognises that I'm busy and wants me to have a meal that I will enjoy eating. He has now taken charge of our date nights and our meals at home because he realises that, most of the time, all I want is to not have to think about what I want for dinner.

What is Schulte's solution? The book's appendix comes with a list of tips, but the main message is: presence is more important than productivity.

• Leisure does not mean "being slothful, idle or frivolous. It is simply being open to the wonder and marvel of the present". I reflected on my own feelings of inadequacy when my day was not filled to the brim with lunch dates, play dates, exercise dates, home projects and work projects.
• Leisure activities should be undertaken for play, connection and reflection, and not merely for checking off a to-do list item.
• List your priorities, and spend your day accordingly. No one would prioritise "Handling of all electronic communication/Sorting through email" over "Spending quality time with loved ones". And yet, many of us are guilty of stopping whatever we're doing as soon as we hear the beep of a new message.
• Let go of the modern obsession with providing children with amazing life experiences and Facebook-worthy photos. We expend effort and resources on excursions to enrich our children's lives, but what they remember of their childhood will invariably be the simple joys of their daily lives.

Another interviewee says, "The most special moments are the spontaneous dancing or jokes that can break out while the family cleans the dinner dishes - moments of unadorned grace that unfold when you're not distracted and rushing into the next big thing."

As author Annie Dillard once said: "How we spend our days is how we spend our lives."

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me a Book HK

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as Taking care of busyness

Teaching Children to Celebrate Differences

Between the lines: teach your child to celebrate being different

PUBLISHED : Tuesday, 29 July, 2014, 10:41am

UPDATED : Thursday, 31 July, 2014, 6:57pm

Annie Holife@scmp.com

I recently had coffee with friends who were emigrating to a small town in Australia. Aside from envying how the idyllic environment would influence the positive growth of their young child, we also pondered what it would be like for a Chinese child to grow up in a community where he would be the only non-Caucasian child.

We considered the need for my friend to stock up on books about Chinese children living in a non-Chinese community.

Wouldn't it be ideal to find picture books showing a Chinese child who enriched his life and those in his community through acknowledging their cultural differences as well as their common humanity, we thought.

Fitting in is part of the universal experience of growing up

We explored the range of books featuring Chinese children, and only came up wit those littered with Asian stereotypes: studious girl, dutiful boy, racist bully, tiger mum, new immigrant family, and so on.

My friends and I then reflected on our own childhoods in Canada, where we were among a handful of non-Caucasian children at school. We realised that back then, all we wanted to do was simply assimilate. Would a fictional story showing a Chinese child being different, even if in a positive way (cherishing best of both worlds), have made any impact on our younger selves?

Fitting in is part of the universal experience of growing up. It's not until we reach college that individuality is valued, and even considered "cool".

In the end, my friends and I agreed that perhaps the best books for their child would be those that celebrate differences. Picture book creators are amazingly inventive when it comes to the using anthropomorphic characters to show differences.

Chen Chih-yuan has written and illustrated two storybooks about characters that try to conform, with funny and poignant consequences. Guji Guji is a story of a crocodile that grows up among ducks, but has his loyalty tested when he encounters other crocodiles for the first time. The Featherless Chicken is a playful spin on the ugly duckling fable, and follows the adventures of a featherless chicken as he attempts to acquire beautiful plumes like the other chickens.

Because Amelia Smiled by David Ezra Stein is a gentle rendering of vignettes around the world with different cultures, faces and sceneries. It is an ode to the power of spreading goodwill, illustrating the possibility that one little girl's smile can influence many lives in direct and indirect ways.

What I Like About Me! by Allia Zobel Nolan is an enjoyable picture book for children to embrace and be proud of the things that make them special, such as glasses, braces and big feet. I appreciate that the differences of the children are presented as positive attributes, rather than shortcomings that need to be accepted.

It is important to teach children to be compassionate, not just about skin colour but any kind of difference. 

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of the non-profit organisation Bring Me a Book Hong Kong bringmeabook.org.hkdedicated to improving children's literacy by reading aloud to them

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as Books that celebrate being different are crucial for children