Puberty - Supplementing What's Taught at School

My elder daughter has completed the Puberty segment of the health sciences curriculum that the Hong Kong Education Bureau requires all schools to teach to their fifth-graders. Her Longman General Studies textbook devotes less than 20 pages to this subject and uses large illustrations and even larger text. The curriculum is so general (literally "general" studies!) that I worry it will leave students with more questions than answers. And so, we have supplemented at home with these excellent non-fiction titles that contain age-appropriate details:

Robie H. Harris is the best-known author in this subject area and has sold millions of books. She has a whole series of books for various age groups. Her book, It's So Amazing, is stated as being suitable for children ages 7-10. It covers how babies are made, and is definitely not for reading alone because each page is filled with paragraphs of text and information. I would suggest reading it aloud to this age group only if the child is curious and has already begun asking questions. I believe this book may be easier to digest for children ages 10-12, to read with parents or alone.

Harris's book It's Perfectly Normal is for tweens, and covers changing bodies and sexual health. It elaborates on the subjects covered in the Hong Kong curriculum.

Kelli Dunham is a registered nurse AND a stand-up comic. The fifth editions of her two books, The Girl's Body Book and The Boy's Body Book, were just published last month and contain updated information relevant to tweens and teens in 2019 and beyond. Not only does Dunham cover physical changes and their accompanying emotions, she also writes chapters relevant to growing up in general. For example, she provides tips on study skills in the chapter "Your Changing Body in the Outside World", and shares advice on how to protect yourself from peer pressure and cyberbullying in the chapter "Staying Safe IRL and Beyond".

I love that her chapter on getting along with parents and siblings is titled "What Do These People Want From Me?" The tone of her books are casual conversational rather than laugh-aloud funny; she's wearing her "nurse's hat" to give tweens and teens the information they need to take care of themselves. I think the stand-up comic side of her helps enhance her connection with readers through her choice of language and the flow of the chapters.

American Girl's publications for girls, The Care & Keeping of You, are such a hit that there is also one for boys called Guy Stuff. Book 1 is for younger girls and is easy to read. The book is categorized by different parts of the body, starting from the head (braces and acne) to torso (underarms and breasts) and below (body shape & nutrition, pubic area & periods).

Because the two girl publications are mostly about physical changes, there is another book titled The Feelings Book that covers the complicated and ever-changing emotions of adolescents. It starts with "When you were little, your emotions were simple. You smiled when you were happy. You cried when you were scared or hurt," and goes on discuss being on an emotional roller coaster.

We don't have any American Girl dolls at home, and my daughters are not interested in dolls in general. All I know about this brand is that its dolls and accessories are super-expensive, so I didn't expect much from the "Smart Girl's Guide" series published by American Girl. My set is a hand-me-down from my girlfriend whose daughter loved it as a tween.

I've been reading these books with both my daughters, the younger one being only eight years old, and they are a hit in our home! The format is easy and direct, with simple language, and covers relevant topics like Drama, Rumors & Secrets. Other books in this series include Digital World, Friendship Troubles, Money, Worry, Sports & Fitness and Boys.

And finally, for girls aged 11 and older, HelloFlo: The Guide, Period. approaches puberty from an angle of empowerment. In addition to covering everything related to menstruation, including comparing the different products available, this book also explains all the other aspects of puberty. It's nice that the last chapter encourages girls to develop good friendships with other girls, and discusses the importance of girl power when girls stick together.

Was it really more than a decade ago that I read and re-read my dog-eared copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting? with all my highlights and Post-It tabs? Heidi Murkoff has so many other titles in this series, I wonder why she hasn't come out with a What To Expect The Teen Years?

Surfing the Internet, I see so many funny titles for real books on parenting teenagers:

Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall
Have a New Teenager by Friday
The Grown-Up's Guide to Teenage Humans
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
He's Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself
Dial Down the Drama: Reducing Conflict and Reconnecting with Your Teenage Daughter
Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle

I have not read any of these parenting books, because I hope that my current formula will continue to work: applying my Canadian humour when dealing with my kids + spending time with husband, friends and other adults + gin & tonics.

"It Takes A Village" - Chinese version

我的孩子在本地學校上學。這不單是指教學語言為中文，更甚的是「本地學校」就是僵化考試制度的代名詞，其中所伴隨的就是考試壓力。

在芬蘭，學生們開始學科單元之前就會先測試他們對單元內容的認知，隨後的幾個星期再安排測驗，以了解其學習進度。對於芬蘭我不多說啦。我已經有一年多沒有在博客發文了，本文並不是要比較各國的教育體制。

再次發文是因為感受到同學們所承受的壓力，本星期我孩子的學校派發考試成績，我希望能夠透過本文與其他家長分享我的想法。

如果孩子的考試成績比預期好，我所稱讚的是他的努力，而不是他的智商或才能。當然，我會感到高興和自豪，但不會對他說：「哇！了不起！你真棒，真厲害，真聰明！」，專家建議應該對孩子說的是：「哇，你的努力得到回報了。可幸這次考試的題目你有溫習過，所以能夠取得好成績！」

但是如果孩子的考試成績比預期差，我當然會不滿意。但我會表達出關愛而不是憤怒。我會和他分享我的擔憂和無知：「媽媽擔心這會影響到你的呈分試。」「我真的不知道如何能夠幫助你準備考試，你能告訴我如何幫助你在下一次考試做得更好嗎？」 「跟媽媽談談發生了什麼事，如何在下一次考試提高你的分數？」

與孩子檢討和討論考試成績後，我會轉換話題至生活上和其他重要的事情：週末計劃，假期計劃，孩子在視藝課中的創作，或者在閱讀時間所看過的書... ...還有很多事情需要我去關注，我不會讓考試成績影響親子時間和親子關係。

如果有一天，學校打電話告訴我孩子對考試結果非常不滿，他在小息期間試圖自殺，那我的反應會是什麼？震驚？有不祥的預感？尷尬？

一，假如我會感到震驚，這樣即代表我不太了解我的孩子。也許，我的孩子是一個訓練有素的演員，他故意隱藏情緒。但如果我們擁有優質的親子時間，我理應了解孩子的個性，能力和應對事情的技巧。假果我會感到震驚，那就代表我和孩子都需要尋求專業人士協助。

二，假如我有不祥的預感，這樣即代表我理應已經知道我的孩子過度焦慮甚或有自殺念頭。如果我接到學校這通電話但並不驚訝，那就代表我需要幫孩子尋找專業輔導。

三，假如我對此事感到尷尬，這樣即代表我只關心學校和其他家長對我的印象。如果我所考慮的只是自己的聲譽而不是孩子自殺未遂的問題，那麼需要專業人士幫助的應該是我。

因此，似乎無論我有什麼反應，答案都是尋求專業人士幫助。需要找專業人士幫助並不等於我是一個壞母親或孩子有缺陷。找專業人士只代表想提高自身的育兒技巧，紓緩孩子的情緒以及改善親子關係，接受做家長是不可能自己處理一切。

我不能直到發現事態嚴重之後才去求助，更不應受到面子問題影響而阻礙自己求助。

食家喜歡看食評尋找好餐廳、愛練瑜伽的人會希望從導師身上改進自己的瑜伽技藝，而信眾則會聽從風水師的建議。如果我愛我的孩子，如果我關心我的孩子，如果我對孩子有信念，那麼，我就需要和其他人流交。

養育孩子需要群策群力，嘗試踏出第一步，學習更多育兒技巧，並尋求專業人士協助。

"It takes a village to raise a child." Reach out, learn, seek advice.

"It Takes a Village"

My children attend a local school in Hong Kong. This means so much more than simply Chinese being the language of instruction, because "local school" implies rote learning and standardized testing. And with that comes the stress of being tested. 

In Finland, students are tested at the beginning of a subject module to see what they know and don't know. Then they are quizzed at points over the ensuing weeks to check that they are learning the things that they don't yet know. But enough about Finland. I have not posted on my blog for more than one year, and what has spurred me to action is not a desire to do a comparative study of education systems. 

The reason I feel compelled to write is that kids at my children's school are feeling stress because this week they receive their exam results, and I want to share my thoughts with other parents.

If my child does better than expected, I will praise his efforts, not his IQ or talent. Yes, of course I will be happy and proud, but instead of "Wow, my awesome boy, so good, so smart!", experts suggest saying to him, "Wow, you really tried and your efforts were rewarded. You're lucky the exam covered things that you studied hard for, and good for you for getting such a good mark!" 

If my child does worse than expected, it's okay to be unhappy. But my unhappiness will be expressed with concern rather than with anger. It's okay to share my worries and my lack of knowledge with my child: "I worry that this will affect your acceptance to high school." "I don't know how to help you prepare for exams, can you tell me how I can help you do better on the next exam?" “Let’s talk about what happened and how you can improve your score on the next exam?”

After my child and I review and discuss exam results, I will move on to the important things in my life and my child's life: weekend plans, holiday plans, what my child has created in art class or has read during Reading Time... I have many things to focus on, and won’t let exam scores affect my time and relationship with my child.

If the school calls to tell me that my child was so upset with his exam result that he attempted suicide during recess, what would be my reaction? Shock? Premonition? Embarrassment?

(1) If I feel shock, then I don’t know my child very well. Yes, maybe my child is a skilled actor purposely hiding his feelings. But if I spend quality time with him, I should know his personality, capabilities and coping skills. If I feel shock, then it means that both of us need professional help.

(2) If I had a feeling this may happen, then I must already know that my child is over-anxious and/or capable of suicidal thoughts. If I am not surprised to receive this call from the school, then it means that I need to find professional help for my child right away. 

(3) If I feel embarrassed about what happened, then I am only focusing on what the school and other parents will think of me. If I think about my own reputation more than my child’s attempted suicide, then I need professional help.

So, it seems that, no matter what my reaction is, the answer is professional help. Seeking professional help doesn’t mean that I am a bad parent or that my child is defective. Seeking professional help means that I am willing to admit that I cannot handle everything by myself, that I want to improve: my parenting skills, my child’s emotional state, and our parent-child relationship.

I cannot wait for something serious to happen before seeking help. I should not let “face” prevent me from seeking help. 

Foodies love recommendations about good restaurants. Yoga enthusiasts love to improve their technique from good teachers. Feng shui believers want advice from masters. If I love my child, if I am enthusiastic about my child and if I believe in my child, then I need to talk to people. 

"It takes a village to raise a child." Reach out, learn, seek advice.