Teenage Daughters

For parents who are experiencing, enjoying, and/or preparing for life with teenage daughters:

Two non-fiction books on my To-Read list: Lisa Damour's "Untangled" and Peggy Orenstein's "Girls and Sex".

Five years ago, Orenstein wrote "Cinderella Ate My Daughter", which was perfect for me at that time because my elder daughter was in kindergarten and going through a loooong phase of wearing only pink. And now that my and the author's daughters are growing up, she has written this new book for parents of tweens and teens. All I can say is, I'm so glad there were no camera phones and social media platforms when I was a teenager. The crazy things my friends and I did (or were rumored to have done) faded in oral history, with the only possible recorded evidence being some random diary entry in curly cursive writing buried deep within boxes of old stuff that still haven't been thrown out.

"Untangled" goes through the seven stages that teenage girls go through: (1) parting with childhood, (2) joining a new tribe, (3) harnessing emotions, (4) contending with adult authority, (5) planning for the future, (6) entering the romantic world and (7) caring for herself.

Ultimately, I think it's about girl power, a strong parent-child bond and a family that focuses on what's inside rather than what's on the surface (or whatever is the image we want to present on social media).

Nothing screams girl power more than "Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls", by Elena Ravioli and Francesca Cavallo. A crowdfunding project recommended to me by a girlfriend who is raising her own little rebel girl, and illustrated by more than 60 female illustrators, this book is "the most-funded original book in the history of crowdfunding". These stories are actually one-page biographic tales of extraordinary women pioneers. There are the usual suspects such as Amelia Earhart, Helen Keller, Jane Goodall and Marie Curie. There are also less obvious additions like supermodel Alek Wek, rock star Joan Jett, ballerina Misty Copeland and architect Zaha Hadid. With stories of 100 women from around the world, what I appreciate most, in reading together with my daughters, is learning about women who are not household names (at least not in our household), including scientist and president of Mauritius Ameenah Gurib-Fakim, motocross racer Ashley Fiolek and elementary school student Coy Mathis.

"Funny Girl: Funniest. Stories. Ever." is a collection of laugh-aloud humor from some of the best children's writers today, including Cece Bell, Lisa Graff, Lenore Look and Raina Telgemeier. Published just in time for summer holidays, there's nothing more empowering and inspiring for young girls than seeing women entertain and delight audiences using the power of language and not their physical appearance.

While the above two books are great for reading aloud with the young ladies in your home, some books are best savored alone in a cozy book nook:

Off the top of my head, I can think of a dozen books featuring strong female protagonists. However, the two that I feel every teen should read are Gail Carson Levine's "Ella Enchanted" and Judy Blume's "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret".

"Ella Enchanted" resonates with me because I'm always conscious of Chinese parents' need to put obedience and good behavior above all else. Why, I often argue with my Hong Kong-raised husband, is a child a bad girl simply because she disagrees with her parents, or got up on the wrong side of the bed, or wants to be expressive by clanging on noisy toys? In this novel, Ella is put under a spell that compels her to be obedient: gift or curse? The above book cover is the 20th anniversary edition that is hot off the presses.

Judy Blume's book introduces pre-teens to the various topics surrounding sex and religion. Originally published in 1970, you can see that the current edition's book cover has been updated for the texting generation. When my daughters are old enough for this, my approach would be for them to read it first, and then we can have conversations about the story and the themes.

It's been six months since I last posted on this blog. All this talk of books and daughters has me dreaming of starting my own mother-daughter book club in a few years' time.

Happy Summer!

Overwhelmed by Brigid Schulte

COLUMN

ANNIE HO

PUBLISHED : Tuesday, 26 August, 2014, 10:23am

UPDATED : Tuesday, 26 August, 2014, 10:23am

Book offers an antidote to intensive mothering

Annie Holife@scmp.com

For me, the period between the start of the school year and the end of the calendar year is traditionally even more hectic than usual. Earlier this year, I made a resolution to simplify my life.

To help me understand how I became so "time-starved", and what I could do about it, I read (and highlighted 40 per cent of the statements contained in) Brigid Schulte's Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time.

Schulte is an award-winning journalist whose book has given a comprehensive picture of being busy by interviewing sociologists, scientists, CEOs and at-home mothers.

She cites studies on leisure time, gender bias, the impact of technology, and the modern workplace.

First, Schulte explores today's expectation of busyness, this maniacal need to be productive and give meaning to our lives. Having children means we devote countless more hours to making their lives productive. Schulte moves on to "the cult of intensive mothering".

You are a part of this cult if you have ever wondered, aloud or silently, "Where can I find harp lessons for my two-year-old?" Or, "Should I start my six-month-old on Putonghua?"

Schulte writes: "Time studies show that mothers' time with children has been climbing steeply, at the expense of sleep, personal care and leisure, ever since 1985. Educated at-home mums have turned motherhood into a profession.

"The inertia of going along with doing what everyone else is doing becomes the default mode because it takes so much conscious effort to pull back."

Next, Schulte looks at the mental burden that seems to be the sole domain of mothers. Fathers help with childcare more than previous generations. But they are delegated tasks by mothers.

When mothers act as the "maternal gatekeeper" and are still in charge of everything, having a helpful spouse around does not necessarily translate into more free time for mothers.

One of Schulte's interviewees describes how a holiday often meant more work: "A resort vacation where even a swim with the dolphins was one more item to be checked off my to-do list, along with getting up early to grab seats by the pool, slathering sunscreen on kids. I perpetuated what I do at home."

True co-parenting means that husbands need to help their wives clear mental clutter. When my husband asks me what I want for dinner, he does so with the purest of intentions. He recognises that I'm busy and wants me to have a meal that I will enjoy eating. He has now taken charge of our date nights and our meals at home because he realises that, most of the time, all I want is to not have to think about what I want for dinner.

What is Schulte's solution? The book's appendix comes with a list of tips, but the main message is: presence is more important than productivity.

• Leisure does not mean "being slothful, idle or frivolous. It is simply being open to the wonder and marvel of the present". I reflected on my own feelings of inadequacy when my day was not filled to the brim with lunch dates, play dates, exercise dates, home projects and work projects.
• Leisure activities should be undertaken for play, connection and reflection, and not merely for checking off a to-do list item.
• List your priorities, and spend your day accordingly. No one would prioritise "Handling of all electronic communication/Sorting through email" over "Spending quality time with loved ones". And yet, many of us are guilty of stopping whatever we're doing as soon as we hear the beep of a new message.
• Let go of the modern obsession with providing children with amazing life experiences and Facebook-worthy photos. We expend effort and resources on excursions to enrich our children's lives, but what they remember of their childhood will invariably be the simple joys of their daily lives.

Another interviewee says, "The most special moments are the spontaneous dancing or jokes that can break out while the family cleans the dinner dishes - moments of unadorned grace that unfold when you're not distracted and rushing into the next big thing."

As author Annie Dillard once said: "How we spend our days is how we spend our lives."

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me a Book HK

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as Taking care of busyness

Goodnight iPad - It's A Book - Dr Larry Rosen

Pick up a good book and power down in peace

Tuesday, 12 March, 2013

Annie Holife@scmp.com

Larry Rosen, a professor and research psychologist at California State University, came to Hong Kong recently to talk about the impact of digital technologies on Generation C, the connected generation of young people born since 1995. As he shared the findings from his studies, many of his observations reverberated with me and my peers.

I can relate to the negative effects of continually going off the task at hand each time I hear a "ding". Until Rosen's talk, I considered myself to be multitasking. In fact, I was task-switching and being rather unproductive.

In one study, Rosen put two groups of teenagers in separate rooms. Both groups were asked to stay there while waiting to go to another area to participate in a study. In fact, the study was observing the two groups while they waited.

Both groups were told that mobile phone use in the rooms was prohibited. The first group was permitted to keep their phones with them, and the second group was asked to leave their phones at the door.

After 15 minutes, the research team observed that both groups followed instructions and did not engage in any phone use. However, while the students in the group who had their phones waited patiently, those in the second group began to exhibit symptoms of anxiety. The phoneless students were restless, tense and apprehensive. A term has been coined for those who exhibit this kind of stress - "nomophobia", the fear of being out of mobile phone contact and missing out ("nomo" meaning "no mobile").

Rosen's talk helped me to reflect on my own bad habits. I became more aware of my task-switching tendencies as well as my need to get connected as soon as I have a free minute.

One day, as my two daughters were role playing, I overheard the older one tell her sister: "OK, this time I'm the baby and you are the mummy." So, my younger daughter climbed onto my chair and started tapping the keys on my computer. Her actions underscored my need to wean myself from the digital world and be more connected with my real world. So, I've started by staying offline and enjoying the view when I'm travelling by car, and turning off my e-mail application when I'm writing this column.

If you also have mild nomophobia, you might enjoy two picture books. Lane Smith's It's a Book is a tongue-in-cheek look at a donkey's attempts to understand what a book is. "How do you scroll down?" and "Where's your mouse?" are just two of his many questions, to which the book-reading monkey patiently and repeatedly answers: "It's a book."

Readers familiar with Margaret Wise Brown's classic book Goodnight Moon will laugh out loud at Goodnight iPad, a parody written by - get this - Ann Droyd. Every buzzword in our brave new world is cleverly worked into this rhyme, which looks and reads like the original.

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me A Book Hong Kong, a non-profit organisation dedicated to improving children's literacy by reading aloud to them bringmeabook.org.hk