Puberty - Supplementing What's Taught at School

My elder daughter has completed the Puberty segment of the health sciences curriculum that the Hong Kong Education Bureau requires all schools to teach to their fifth-graders. Her Longman General Studies textbook devotes less than 20 pages to this subject and uses large illustrations and even larger text. The curriculum is so general (literally "general" studies!) that I worry it will leave students with more questions than answers. And so, we have supplemented at home with these excellent non-fiction titles that contain age-appropriate details:

Robie H. Harris is the best-known author in this subject area and has sold millions of books. She has a whole series of books for various age groups. Her book, It's So Amazing, is stated as being suitable for children ages 7-10. It covers how babies are made, and is definitely not for reading alone because each page is filled with paragraphs of text and information. I would suggest reading it aloud to this age group only if the child is curious and has already begun asking questions. I believe this book may be easier to digest for children ages 10-12, to read with parents or alone.

Harris's book It's Perfectly Normal is for tweens, and covers changing bodies and sexual health. It elaborates on the subjects covered in the Hong Kong curriculum.

Kelli Dunham is a registered nurse AND a stand-up comic. The fifth editions of her two books, The Girl's Body Book and The Boy's Body Book, were just published last month and contain updated information relevant to tweens and teens in 2019 and beyond. Not only does Dunham cover physical changes and their accompanying emotions, she also writes chapters relevant to growing up in general. For example, she provides tips on study skills in the chapter "Your Changing Body in the Outside World", and shares advice on how to protect yourself from peer pressure and cyberbullying in the chapter "Staying Safe IRL and Beyond".

I love that her chapter on getting along with parents and siblings is titled "What Do These People Want From Me?" The tone of her books are casual conversational rather than laugh-aloud funny; she's wearing her "nurse's hat" to give tweens and teens the information they need to take care of themselves. I think the stand-up comic side of her helps enhance her connection with readers through her choice of language and the flow of the chapters.

American Girl's publications for girls, The Care & Keeping of You, are such a hit that there is also one for boys called Guy Stuff. Book 1 is for younger girls and is easy to read. The book is categorized by different parts of the body, starting from the head (braces and acne) to torso (underarms and breasts) and below (body shape & nutrition, pubic area & periods).

Because the two girl publications are mostly about physical changes, there is another book titled The Feelings Book that covers the complicated and ever-changing emotions of adolescents. It starts with "When you were little, your emotions were simple. You smiled when you were happy. You cried when you were scared or hurt," and goes on discuss being on an emotional roller coaster.

We don't have any American Girl dolls at home, and my daughters are not interested in dolls in general. All I know about this brand is that its dolls and accessories are super-expensive, so I didn't expect much from the "Smart Girl's Guide" series published by American Girl. My set is a hand-me-down from my girlfriend whose daughter loved it as a tween.

I've been reading these books with both my daughters, the younger one being only eight years old, and they are a hit in our home! The format is easy and direct, with simple language, and covers relevant topics like Drama, Rumors & Secrets. Other books in this series include Digital World, Friendship Troubles, Money, Worry, Sports & Fitness and Boys.

And finally, for girls aged 11 and older, HelloFlo: The Guide, Period. approaches puberty from an angle of empowerment. In addition to covering everything related to menstruation, including comparing the different products available, this book also explains all the other aspects of puberty. It's nice that the last chapter encourages girls to develop good friendships with other girls, and discusses the importance of girl power when girls stick together.

Was it really more than a decade ago that I read and re-read my dog-eared copy of What To Expect When You're Expecting? with all my highlights and Post-It tabs? Heidi Murkoff has so many other titles in this series, I wonder why she hasn't come out with a What To Expect The Teen Years?

Surfing the Internet, I see so many funny titles for real books on parenting teenagers:

Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me & Cheryl to the Mall
Have a New Teenager by Friday
The Grown-Up's Guide to Teenage Humans
How to Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
He's Not Lazy: Empowering Your Son to Believe in Himself
Dial Down the Drama: Reducing Conflict and Reconnecting with Your Teenage Daughter
Ending the Parent-Teen Control Battle

I have not read any of these parenting books, because I hope that my current formula will continue to work: applying my Canadian humour when dealing with my kids + spending time with husband, friends and other adults + gin & tonics.

Editing that Bucket List

"WE NEED TO SAVE SOME EXPERIENCES FOR OUR KIDS TO HAVE ON THEIR OWN."

This completely new perspective came to me, courtesy of my girlfriend with children in their late teens. Her eldest is currently backpacking with friends in Europe. I was surprised when she told me that it's his first time in Europe. As a family, they have been on African safaris, explored all that New York City has to offer, and spent many ski seasons in Australia, Canada and US. How is it that she has never taken her kids to Europe, I wondered aloud, especially since she and her husband lived in London for a few years before they started a family.

My girlfriend explained that in the early years, the kids would have been too young to appreciate it, and in recent years, preferences and schedules of each family member resulted in other destinations taking priority. Then she added, "Besides, we need to save some things for them to experience on their own."

A lightbulb went on in my head. Yes, she's right! Until then, I had been quietly compiling a family "bucket list" of all the places to visit and things to see before my children grew up. I had become so enthused with the idea of witnessing all the "firsts" in my children's lives -- first words, first steps, first plane ride, first day of school, and on and on -- that I fully expected to selfishly grab as many more "firsts" as I could well into the distant future. I had forgotten that my role is to help my children forge their own paths, not to be holding their hands all the way down that path.

I happily recall the first trip that my husband and I took together. We had only been dating for a few months by then, and we chose Paris because I hadn't been and he thought I would love it. He was right, and the fact that it was my first visit to the City of Lights made it extra special for both of us. My husband loved playing tour guide while we visited landmark sites together; I suspect his level of enthusiasm would have been lower had I already known Paris well and went equipped with my own list of favorite restaurants and places.

Going further back in my fading memory, I remember my first time skiing. I went with my high school friends to a local mountain one wintry Saturday, and they taught me how to ski. My parents were not there to take photos nor cheer me on when I managed the bunny hill after a few attempts. In fact, I continued to go with my friends for years, progressing to night skiing after school and weekend trips to Whistler Mountain, and never once did my parents feel the need to be a part of this. My independent ski life did not diminish the closeness between my parents and me, but it did bring me so much closer to those friends who skied with me. Win-win.

No matter how wonderful any experience is, nothing ever beats the first time. And thus my mind wandered and I anxiously pictured my daughters ten, twenty years from now, with their "been there, done that" attitude when seeing a Broadway show with friends or gliding down a canal in Venice with a new romantic interest.

So I will need to edit that bucket list, and make the choice to save some travel and other experiences for my daughters to enjoy without me. My brain tells me this is a wonderful idea. My heart wants to say, "Sniff, sob."

[NB - I had wanted to finish off this entry with some book recommendations about children having adventures and first experiences without their parents, and realize that this is the premise of about 96% of all children's literature. We can start with Maurice Sendak's entire body of work, and move all the way through those great fictional characters who are recognizable by their first names: Alice, Pippi Madeline, Eloise, Huckleberry, Mowgli, Bod, and Ottoline.]

Doing Nothing

I feel like we've been on an extended summer break because my two kids have been home with various ailments for the better part of June. As soon as symptoms subsided, they started to tire of staying home. "I'm so bored," they would whine. I replied, "Boredom creates creativity," and left them to their own devices. Lo and behold, they quickly found things to keep themselves entertained, including solving a problem they were having with the lever mechanism of an old toy, and creating the lyrics to an original tune.

Every summer we return to Vancouver to visit my parents. And every June I start surfing the web to check out summer camps and other offerings. But I always manage to resist the urge to actually enrol in any of them. Perhaps I'm simply too lazy to drag my jetlagged body out of bed in order to get them to camp on time (flashback to July 2014 when we missed two out of five classes in one-week of ice-skating lessons that started at 1:00pm), although I would like to believe that I'm making a conscious decision to give them a schedule-free summer.

I spend the entire school year rushing my children through their day with military precision, and the entire household gets antsy when we're running behind schedule, especially at bedtime. It wouldn't be much of a holiday, for the kids as well as for me, if I had them on a schedule through the summer. In Vancouver, we can have breakfast whenever, and for however long, we want.

It's hard not to get caught up in the race to have my children acquire skills from an early age, and to devote hours to hone those skills. By not letting my children try new things in the summer, am I robbing them of the opportunity to discover some hidden talent they may have for Fencing or French, Cooking or Coding?

They have the rest of their lives to learn new sports and other activities. So these early years should be devoted to developing their sense of self. I want to give them time for unfettered play in the backyard (to intimately know that backyard and all its inhabitants), time to meet other kids in a public playground (even though they may never see them again), time to help with chores around the house (how can we teach by example if our kids aren't around us long enough to see the example we're setting?).

Grit, resilience, curiosity, integrity, EQ, AQ... I will do my best to nurture these soft skills in my children, and I'm pretty sure I can do a better job of it when I'm not shouting at them to "Hurry up!"

See my 2012 article recommending books about "Doing Nothing": http://ahwb-hk.blogspot.hk/2012/03/scmp-march-25-2012.html

Reminder to self: "Note every moment spent with my children needs to be educative or productive or a means toward some end." Deep breath. Ohmmmmm.

HAPPY SUMMER!

Alfie Kohn

It's 2:00 a.m. and I just finished reading the Introduction and Chapter One to Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting. Even though I'm only 5% of the way through the book, I've already highlighted about 75% of the text there. Kohn has artfully communicated (and provided ample research evidence for) what I believe deep down but have not been able to fully attempt in my own parenting style because (1) I received conditional parenting, and (2) I've been deeply conditioned by my environment to focus on producing well-behaved and cooperative children.

From the publisher:

Most parenting guides begin with the question “How can we get kids to do what they're told?” and then proceed to offer various techniques for controlling them. In this truly groundbreaking book, nationally respected educator Alfie Kohn begins instead by asking, “What do kids need—and how can we meet those needs?” What follows from that question are ideas for working with children rather than doing things to them.

More than just another book about discipline, though, Unconditional Parenting addresses the ways parents think about, feel about, and act with their children. It invites them to question their most basic assumptions about raising kids while offering a wealth of practical strategies for shifting from “doing to” to “working with” parenting—including how to replace praise with the unconditional support that children need to grow into healthy, caring, responsible people. This is an eye-opening, paradigm-shattering book that will reconnect readers to their own best instincts and inspire them to become better parents.

From my own notes:

Kohn is so right. I own and have read so many books about parenting, ranging from how to sleep train babies, how to talk so kids will listen, how to set boundaries... and it's all about modifying the behavior of the child so that parents can feel a sense of control (and sanity). 

As parents, we are fixated on immediate compliance and what we demand from our children, rather than considering what our children need and seeing the whole child rather than the behavior.

Our love for our children is conditional upon their good behavior, or achievement in academics, sports or other talents/skills. A quote from the book: "It's possible to love our children passionately, but not in the way they need to be loved." It doesn’t matter how much we love them, it’s HOW we love them.

We all protest, "Of course we love our children no matter what, we love them unconditionally."

Well, here are some of the beliefs held by those who use conditional parenting to raise their children. Do any of these ring a bell? 

-  If children misbehave or do poorly on a test, then they need to be punished. 
-  Rewarding them under such circumstances will only lead to them misbehaving more or continuing to do poorly on tests. 
-  If kids misbehave or don't do as they're told, we must not hug and show affection towards them, we must not give them ice-cream, we must not read them a bedtime story... we will withhold love from them. 

What lesson does the child learn from this? What kind of person will this child become? 

When we expend all our efforts giving top priority to short-term obedience and super-kid achievement, what are the long-term implications? 

Most parents, when asked what long-term goals they have for their children, answer that they want their children to be happy, balanced, independent, fulfilled, productive, kind, thoughtful, loving, inquisitive, and confident. Do our daily actions toward our children encourage them to become all these adjectives we hope to ascribe to them one day?

We are most proud of our children when they get good grades, win competitions, behave the way we want them to behave. A "good" child is one who is polite, quiet and not much trouble to us grown-ups. Is that our dream for our children, that they grow up to be "not much trouble"? If the answer is "no", then why do we behave and act in our daily interactions with our children as though quiet and well-behaved ARE the ONLY goals we have for them?

To all my friends raising children, and especially those whose children attend local Hong Kong schools with a very traditional system of rewards and metrics-based testing: please read this mind-blowing book NOW. 

(Book also translated into Chinese.)

Boundaries with Kids

Parents need to agree about how to raise children. Here's a book that helps

PUBLISHED : Tuesday, 02 June, 2015, 6:48am

UPDATED : Tuesday, 02 June, 2015, 6:48am

Annie Ho life@scmp.com

My husband and I never argued until our children came along. At first, we blamed the kids. Then we blamed the stress of parenting, both external and self-imposed. And finally, we began to see that our differences stemmed from the way we were brought up.

It hadn't occurred to us we had any cultural differences because we are both ethnic Chinese. However, he was raised in Hong Kong and I grew up in Canada. The big picture is the same for all parents: to raise their children to become happy, loving and responsible adults. Where many of us differ from our co-parent is the means to that end.

I was enlightened by Drs Henry Cloud and John Townsend's Boundaries with Kids, and immediately shared my heavily highlighted copy with my husband.

An important lesson that is best taught early on is self-discipline. Rather than labelling children as naughty or nice, we need only consider whether they have self-discipline or not. Today's children are not provided with the opportunities to learn self-discipline because parents have a fear of seeing their children suffering, displeased or unhappy.

In the 19th century, the notion that parents existed for the sake of their children was unheard of. Our child-centric family culture has taken form only in recent decades. Children and their feelings were neglected, or at least considered to be not worthy of concern, well into the 1960s. Although she might be deemed an incompetent mother by today's standards, Betty Francis (the former Mrs Draper) in the television series Mad Men was probably typical of her era.

I'm not suggesting that we regress to Victorian child-rearing practices; a child's mental and psychological well-being should be held in the same regard as his physical well-being. Cloud and Townsend state parents do need to empathise with their children's feelings. However, they are unable to delay their children's gratification because they "over-identify" with their children's pain, fear and loneliness.

The authors suggest: "Some parents confuse their own painful feelings with their child's, thinking that the child is in more trouble than he actually is. What might be discomfort for the toddler is seen as trauma by the mother; what may be anxiety for the teen is experienced as panic by the father."

As parents, we need to distinguish between hurt and harm. When a child cries because his parents are leaving him at home to go out to dinner, he is unhappy about being left behind. Some parents may cancel dinner and stay home, believing that doing so will help the child to feel safe and happy.

Before making the decision to stay or go, parents need to ask themselves whether leaving their well-loved child in a safe environment under these circumstances is harming the child, or merely hurting the child. Hurt doesn't have long-term implications and is necessary for a child to grow and develop.

On the other hand, parents should try their best to not only protect their child from harm, but also ensure they are not the ones inflicting that harm on their child. There is no harm in having a child experience separation from his parents while they spend a few hours dining at a restaurant. And parents need to willingly allow their child to be occasionally hurt.

Cloud and Townsend explain when a well-loved child cries in protest about his parents going out without him, "his tears are not the wounds of an unloved person, but the normal grief of a [child] who needs to learn to handle mum's absences".

After reading and discussing Boundaries with Kids, my husband and I were able to agree on a plan for developing a consistent style for raising our children together. This book helped us understand each other's parenting styles and enabled us to see how the way we were raised greatly informed the kind of parent we've become.

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me A Book Hong Kong bringmeabook.org.hk a non-profit organisation advocating for family literacy

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as Parents with perimeters

Remembering to Play

Why unsupervised play benefits children

PUBLISHED : Tuesday, 07 April, 2015, 6:03am

UPDATED : Tuesday, 07 April, 2015, 2:18pm

Annie Ho life@scmp.com

"Play is the most efficient driver of learning for children. This is as true of their cognitive development as their physical and emotional development." These statements introduce a chapter on remembering to play in Teach Your Children Well, by child psychologist Dr Madeline Levine.

She outlines the concept through a "time wheel": a pie-chart of a child's 24-hour day. There are fixed wedges of time each day for school, homework, meals and sleep. Whatever is left over is that "sliver of time" which is at the discretion of parents. We should fill up that sliver with fun activities, right? Wrong.

She argues that any activity that corrects, criticises or judges a child's behaviour is stressful and not fun. Splashing around in the pool is not the same as going to swim class where a coach is telling the child to swim faster or learn new skills. When a child is expected to be on their best behaviour for most activities on the time wheel, that sliver of free time had better truly be free.

Dr Levine writes: "We all know that some of our best work is done when no one is watching, when we feel free to be flexible and creative. Make sure your child has time to explore and create and learn without the pressure of constant scrutiny and evaluation."

Naturally there are children who love to have every hour of their day filled with stimulating activities. There are also children who love to have French fries and chocolate bars with every meal. Ultimately, parents have the final say as what to put into that sliver on the time wheel.

Dr Levine cites the example of two boys chasing each other around the playground during recess. "While this may look simply like a good way to burn off energy and calories - which is enough to recommend it - it is also a highly sophisticated social transaction. In order for the game to continue, each boy has to be willing to be both the chaser and the chased … This ability to play reciprocally is a powerful predictor of academic success, as is the ability to empathise and cooperate."

I remind myself that not every moment of a child's day needs to be educative, and try to let my children enjoy activities that are non-judgmental and not specifically focused on building skills. For my children, this means playing with sofa cushions and random household objects. It also means enjoying read-aloud time with books that are beautifully created but have with little educative value.

It's Useful to Have a Duck is a flip book by Isol, a children's picture book creator from Argentina and recipient of the prestigious Astrid Lindgren Memorial Award. After reading what the boy thinks about his duck, simply flip the book to enjoy mirrored illustrations from the duck's perspective.

Canadian author Sara O'Leary has created a charming series, The Henry Books, beginning with When You Were Small. It is filled with whimsical replies, artfully illustrated, to a young boy's request to his father, "Tell me about when I was small".

Supposing… by Alastair Reid is a seemingly straightforward book setting out a child-like supposition on every page: "Supposing I had a twin brother but we never told anyone and only went to school half the time each ..."

Reid wrote the text in 1960, and acclaimed illustrator Bob Gill recently added new illustrations to create a masterpiece that can spark the imagination of young readers when they come up with their own scenarios.

Ideally, they would be writing and illustrating their own scenarios during unstructured playtime.

Annie Ho is board chair of Bring Me A Book Hong Kong (bringmeabook.org.hk), a leading advocate for family literacy

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as Make time for kids' free play

Overwhelmed by Brigid Schulte

COLUMN

ANNIE HO

PUBLISHED : Tuesday, 26 August, 2014, 10:23am

UPDATED : Tuesday, 26 August, 2014, 10:23am

Book offers an antidote to intensive mothering

Annie Holife@scmp.com

For me, the period between the start of the school year and the end of the calendar year is traditionally even more hectic than usual. Earlier this year, I made a resolution to simplify my life.

To help me understand how I became so "time-starved", and what I could do about it, I read (and highlighted 40 per cent of the statements contained in) Brigid Schulte's Overwhelmed: Work, Love and Play When No One Has the Time.

Schulte is an award-winning journalist whose book has given a comprehensive picture of being busy by interviewing sociologists, scientists, CEOs and at-home mothers.

She cites studies on leisure time, gender bias, the impact of technology, and the modern workplace.

First, Schulte explores today's expectation of busyness, this maniacal need to be productive and give meaning to our lives. Having children means we devote countless more hours to making their lives productive. Schulte moves on to "the cult of intensive mothering".

You are a part of this cult if you have ever wondered, aloud or silently, "Where can I find harp lessons for my two-year-old?" Or, "Should I start my six-month-old on Putonghua?"

Schulte writes: "Time studies show that mothers' time with children has been climbing steeply, at the expense of sleep, personal care and leisure, ever since 1985. Educated at-home mums have turned motherhood into a profession.

"The inertia of going along with doing what everyone else is doing becomes the default mode because it takes so much conscious effort to pull back."

Next, Schulte looks at the mental burden that seems to be the sole domain of mothers. Fathers help with childcare more than previous generations. But they are delegated tasks by mothers.

When mothers act as the "maternal gatekeeper" and are still in charge of everything, having a helpful spouse around does not necessarily translate into more free time for mothers.

One of Schulte's interviewees describes how a holiday often meant more work: "A resort vacation where even a swim with the dolphins was one more item to be checked off my to-do list, along with getting up early to grab seats by the pool, slathering sunscreen on kids. I perpetuated what I do at home."

True co-parenting means that husbands need to help their wives clear mental clutter. When my husband asks me what I want for dinner, he does so with the purest of intentions. He recognises that I'm busy and wants me to have a meal that I will enjoy eating. He has now taken charge of our date nights and our meals at home because he realises that, most of the time, all I want is to not have to think about what I want for dinner.

What is Schulte's solution? The book's appendix comes with a list of tips, but the main message is: presence is more important than productivity.

• Leisure does not mean "being slothful, idle or frivolous. It is simply being open to the wonder and marvel of the present". I reflected on my own feelings of inadequacy when my day was not filled to the brim with lunch dates, play dates, exercise dates, home projects and work projects.
• Leisure activities should be undertaken for play, connection and reflection, and not merely for checking off a to-do list item.
• List your priorities, and spend your day accordingly. No one would prioritise "Handling of all electronic communication/Sorting through email" over "Spending quality time with loved ones". And yet, many of us are guilty of stopping whatever we're doing as soon as we hear the beep of a new message.
• Let go of the modern obsession with providing children with amazing life experiences and Facebook-worthy photos. We expend effort and resources on excursions to enrich our children's lives, but what they remember of their childhood will invariably be the simple joys of their daily lives.

Another interviewee says, "The most special moments are the spontaneous dancing or jokes that can break out while the family cleans the dinner dishes - moments of unadorned grace that unfold when you're not distracted and rushing into the next big thing."

As author Annie Dillard once said: "How we spend our days is how we spend our lives."

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me a Book HK

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as Taking care of busyness

Children's Books about Father and Child Bond

Between the lines: stories build bonds between father and child

PUBLISHED : Tuesday, 03 June, 2014, 10:51am

UPDATED : Tuesday, 03 June, 2014, 10:51am

Annie Holife@scmp.com

My husband is great with children and has a good rapport with them. Nevertheless, hanging out with young ones isn't his idea of a relaxing and fun time.

Asked to pick between two weekend activities, nine times out of 10 he would choose the one that didn't involve children, neither our own nor those of our friends. He relishes weekends spent in the company of adults.

Even though my husband brought welcome balance to my weekends as I joined him in these activities, he often found himself apologising to hyper-parents for his "behaviour".

I consoled him by noting that there is no study to show that helicoptered kids, or kids with parents who are constantly present, grow up to be happier or more successful.

He found comfort in my summaries of the hundreds of parenting-related articles that I had read, many of which dissected this recent concept of parents existing for the sake of children.

While my husband's parenting views have not changed much from the time we brought home our first child, I can see that he is now enjoying spending more time around children as ours grow older. And through all this quality time spent together in harmony, each member of our family is beginning to see the developing father-child bond.

Froggy's Day with Dad is a laugh-aloud story that will appeal to toddlers. It details Father's Day for Froggy and his dad, in the same style as the other books in Jonathan London's popular Froggy series.

Anthony Browne's Gorilla, about a father who never has time for his daughter, will resonate with many Hong Kong dads. This beautifully presented story will make fathers everywhere put down their smartphones when they see how a child wishes for her dad's time and attention.

The Day I Swapped My Dad for Two Goldfish is also about a father who "doesn't pay much attention to anything". So while dad is reading his newspaper, the protagonist swaps him for his best friend's two goldfish, which he had been coveting.

Presented in the form of a graphic short story, this is a well-loved tale by Neil Gaiman, creator of the comic book series The Sandman. Gaiman is a prolific author who is able to transcend age groups and genres to find fans aged between five and 95.

For truth stranger than fiction, Martin Jenkins' The Emperor's Egg tells the true story of male emperor penguins in simple, engaging and sing-song language. The devotion of father penguins is shown through the emperor penguin breeding cycle in this award-winning natural history book.

After mother penguin lays her egg, father penguin stands around keeping the egg warm and protected for two months, in the bitter Antarctic cold.

Middle-school children who don't mind a little darkness and sadness will loveThe Mouse and his Child by Russell Hoban. Perfect for reading aloud, this masterpiece is about a mechanical father mouse and his son who are joined as a single clockwork toy. When their wind-up mechanism breaks, they are thrown out and torn apart.

They embark on a dangerous quest to return to the beautiful doll's house they once inhabited, and to become independent, that is, "self-winding". This book was the first full-length novel by Hoban, who is best known for his Frances the Badger series for young children.

Japanese company Sanrio made an animated feature film starring Peter Ustinov, and the Royal Shakespeare Company recently presented its stage adaptation of this classic.

Fathers who worry that The Mouse and his Child is too violent for their children should just read this magical tale for themselves. It is full of memorable characters and philosophy. A heart-warming affirmation of the tender love between father and child, it may remind fathers of their own fathers.

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me a Book Hong Kong, a nonprofit organisation dedicated to improving children's literacy by reading aloud to them. Visit breingmeabook.org.hk

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as Stories build bonds between father and child

Leonard Marcus

Between the lines: children's book critic Leonard Marcus to visit city

PUBLISHED : Tuesday, 20 May, 2014, 9:39am

UPDATED : Tuesday, 20 May, 2014, 9:39am

Annie Holife@scmp.com

Leonard Marcus is a living encyclopedia of children's literature who shares his knowledge through the many books that he has written, analysing the authors and artists who have created some of the genre's greatest works. He has reviewed children's books for The Washington Post and The New York Times, judged multiple book awards and curated exhibitions.

In honour of the 50th anniversary ofThe Phantom Tollbooth, Marcus created an annotated edition with insights from author Norton Juster as well as Marcus himself. In my recent conversation with Marcus, he described The Phantom Tollbooth as "the Alice in Wonderland of our time - a book of amazing verbal inventiveness and a work of the most playful kind of philosophical reflection". The Annotated Phantom Tollbooth, packed with so much commentary, greatly amplifies the experience of reading one of the greatest children's books of the past half a century, and one of my childhood favourites.

Marcus says "in a classic children's book, you will typically find a character at its centre with whom children can form a strong and immediate emotional connection. You will also find the art and storytelling are well matched to each other and to a child's comprehension."

He will explore some of those emotional connections developed in early childhood (between child and family, child and friends, child and self) in a talk, "Children's Books and the Ladder of Years", which he will present next month in Hong Kong. I will attend with plenty of paper and ink, as I expect to be busy scribbling recommended children's book titles, as well as gaining a fuller understanding of books that I've already read.

Another talk is titled "What Makes a Great Picture Book Great?" According to Marcus, famed children's book author Maurice Sendak built on his vast knowledge of the history of illustration to create the magical worlds of his books.

Marcus advises says it's important for budding picture book creators to immerse themselves in the best picture books of the past.

"They should concentrate on learning their craft and always ask themselves, 'What story do I want to tell?' Success usually follows from hard work that is rooted in a deeply personal vision."

Marcus believes that "an essential qualification for any children's book writer or illustrator is a vivid emotional memory of childhood, that is, the ability to recall what it felt like to be a child".

Magic results when picture book creators transform those early memories into stories and images to which readers can universally relate.

• For more information on Leonard Marcus' talks on June 11-12, visitwww.lovetolearn.asia.

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me a Book Hong Kong, a nonprofit organisation dedicated to improving children's literacy by reading aloud to them. Visit breingmeabook.org.hk

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as Lessons from the master

Questions Kids Ask

Between the lines: books with all the answers for young, inquiring minds

PUBLISHED : Monday, 13 January, 2014, 10:34pm

UPDATED : Wednesday, 15 January, 2014, 4:54pm

Annie Holife@scmp.com

I am sitting at my desk, indulging in time away from my children. After a busy December filled with social obligations, I had looked forward to spending the holidays with my daughters, including a five-day trip to Taipei.

However, after nine straight days of having them by my side day and night, I was looking forward to a breather.

(The realisation that these nine days had been a little tiring gave me renewed gratitude for the Hong Kong way of life, which means I do not have to do the school run or be home for dinner every day.)

But on the flip side, nine days gave us some time to learn more about each other. Not only was I able to observe how my children interact with others, they were also given a rare glimpse into my relationships with people outside the home.

In Taipei, my daughters watched me care for my bedridden grandmother, saw me bargaining with a vendor at a night market, and heard me describe my current life to my childhood friends.

And sure enough, they had lots of questions: What are dentures and why do old people lose their teeth? Why is a night market only open at night? When we fly back to Hong Kong, will it still be winter there?

I welcomed their curiosity. For the time being, I had acceptable answers to their questions.

Author Gemma Elwin Harris has tackled the issue of how to answer children's questions in her books Big Questions from Little People and the recently published Does My Goldfish Know Who I Am?

Harris takes real questions from hundreds of primary-school children and has them answered by world-class experts in the relevant field.

Chef Heston Blumenthal, naturalist Sir David Attenborough, artist Tracey Emin, and philosopher Noam Chomsky take up the challenge of answering questions, such as "Why can't I tickle myself?", "How are dreams made?" and "Why is the sea salty?"

It's an informative and funny look into the beautiful minds of inquisitive children, with some wonderfully thoughtful replies.

A neuroscientist explains why we don't remember being a baby. A media expert answers a question about what newspapers do when there is no news. A phonetics professor reveals whether animals like sheep and cows have accents.

Alice Calaprice edits a compilation of children's questions answered by a very famous expert.

In Dear Professor Einstein: Albert Einstein's Letters to and from Children, the scientist gives eloquent, funny and very forthright replies.

A small group of students say they believe life on earth would survive if the sun burned out, but their classmates disagree.

They ask Einstein to back them up. He writes: "The minority is sometimes right - but not in your case."

Einstein couldn't answer all the children's letters, so some are published without reply. It's entertaining to see the questions children wanted answered by the great man.

Are you going insane because all geniuses are said to go insane? Did Houdini discover the fourth dimension, allowing him to walk through walls?

For now, I'm happy to remain the authority on everything, including science, religion and history. But I have just the right books ready for when my generalised answers stop cutting the mustard.

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me a Book Hong Kong, a non-profit organisation dedicated to improving children's literacy by reading aloud to them bringmeabook.org.hk

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as When it comes to baffling children's questions, Einstein's got it covered

Children and AQ (Adversity Quotient), Dealing with Adversity, Dealing with Change

COLUMN

ANNIE HO

PUBLISHED : Monday, 30 December, 2013, 9:21pm

UPDATED : Monday, 30 December, 2013, 9:21pm

Between the lines: showing children how to cope with adversity

Annie Holife@scmp.com

I love Twinkle, the little girl on Higglytown Heroes, an animated children's TV series. Every person and animal is a Matryoshka doll, hopping around on their limbless stump, and pulling out useful items from their hollowed torsos.

Each episode focuses on a different hero, such as a firefighter, zookeeper, postal worker or dentist. Viewers learn about various vocations when main characters encounter some challenges which only an adult in the appropriate line of work can solve.

Before the hero appears to save the day, Twinkle never fails to enthusiastically offer some outrageously impractical and complicated solution. I love Twinkle because she has such an admirable "can-do" spirit, and doesn't shy away from perplexing problems.

In the field of cognitive psychology, Twinkle would measure a high AQ, or adversity quotient. AQ was developed by Dr Paul Stoltz, who defines it as "the capacity of the person to deal with the adversities of his life. As such, it is the science of human resilience."

Who Moved My Cheese? For Kids is Spencer Johnson's version of his bestselling book for adults, about adapting to change and viewing change in a positive light.

This modern parable about two mice and two little humans in a maze provides insight into the different approaches of those with high AQ and those with low AQ when presented with the same challenge.

In the beginning, they find a big room full of "magical cheese" that makes them happy and contented. But when supplies dwindle, the mice resolve to look elsewhere in the maze for more cheese, while the little people keep returning to the empty room to rue the loss of the cheese.

The many concepts introduced in this story make good discussion tools for young children, especially as children by nature tend to resist change.

The message of adapting to change is more subtly portrayed in Kevin Henkes' Wemberly Worried. Also a story featuring mice characters, Wemberly is a little mouse that worries about everything.

For example, she worried that no one would come to her birthday party; but when lots of mice showed up, she worried that there wouldn't be enough cake. By the time the first day of school arrived, Wemberly had a long list of worries, presented in increasingly larger letters.

By giving children opportunities to experience challenging situations within their parents' protection and love, they can improve their AQ and be given the capacity to bounce back from whatever life serves them.

For older children or even adults who are lacking in AQ, it's never too late to recognise the need to learn life tools that help to deal with disappointment, be positive in life and become problem solvers.

That is food for thought for any New Year's resolutions.

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me a Book Hong Kong, a non-profit organisation dedicated to improving children's literacy by reading aloud to them bringmeabook.org.hk

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as How to boost skills to deal with challenges

Books Transforms Lives (2)

Between the lines: reading aloud with children can transform their lives

Annie Holife@scmp.com

If I were to ask you how important is it for a student to read well, you would say it was very important. But people seem less convinced when it comes to the importance of parent-child read-aloud. I suspect that reading aloud is viewed as a leisure activity on par with taking one's children to musical shows or going on a family nature walk.

It wasn't until I started working with Bring Me A Book that I learned that, the lower the socioeconomic class of the child, the bigger the impact of reading aloud.

Parent-child read-aloud will certainly enhance a middle-class child's development; but for underprivileged families, this activity transforms lives.

There have been many studies into how linguistic patterns used in middle-class homes differ from those used in low-income homes. One study found that parents in low-income homes used imperative statements, while those in middle-class homes used discrete interrogative questions.

Middle-class families use the same language patterns as schools, so their children develop the skills needed to learn the way that schools teach.

More than one study has reinforced the finding that children of professional parents hear 30 million more words by age three than children from low-income households.

Language patterns and vocabulary are connected to reading comprehension, so low-income children face increased challenges once they enter school and start learning to read.

When low-income parents spend a few minutes each day reading aloud to their children, they provide opportunities for vocabulary-building, questions and discussions.

English parish priest Jay MacLeod conducted detailed research on how poverty is perpetuated. Ain't No Making It chronicles his relationships with a dozen young men from the same public housing development that spanned 25 years.

One of his conclusions is that character and behaviour are greater determinants of success than academic achievement, for the simple reason that it takes a lot more than IQ to stay away from drugs and crime in that kind of neighbourhood.

Paul Tough's How Children Succeed is a more appealing read on a similar train of thought. Tough criticised early childhood education's emphasis on cognitive skills (reading, writing, arithmetic) as he pointed to extensive findings that children with good non-cognitive skills (self-motivation, self-control, self-awareness) were the ones who fared better in adult life.

One study that Tough shared in his book found a high correlation between childhood stress and trauma on the one hand, and depression and anxiety disorders in later years.

Another study showed the importance of parental attachment: parents who were responsive produced securely attached children, and such attachment created psychological effects that last into adulthood.

A third study concluded that any lasting impact of childhood stress and trauma can be erased by strong parental attachment.

When low-income parents spend a few minutes each day reading aloud to their children, they will be providing opportunities for cuddling and dissolving stress.

The philosophy behind parent-child read-aloud is about so much more than just books. It is about connecting families and communities. It is about how parents can help their children succeed in life in ways that are much more effective than making sure they get good grades.

All of this scientific research is humanised in Wes Moore's The Other Wes Moore.

The author is an exemplary contributor to society who discovered another Wes Moore languishing in prison. Both came from the same poor black neighbourhood, were the same age, and grew up in single-parent families.

He contacted the other Wes Moore and examined how their similar pasts led them down different paths.

The author believed it was his mother's attachment parenting that helped develop his character and keep him from a life of crime.

When it comes to school readiness, kindergartens need to focus less on drilling cognitive skills and more on developing non-cognitive skills.

Until kindergarten curricula are reformed to reflect this, parents need to be aware of how small changes in their daily home life can transform their children's future.

Annie Ho is board chairwoman of Bring Me a Book Hong Kong, a non-profit organisation dedicated to improving children's literacy by reading aloud to them bringmeabook.org.hk

This article appeared in the South China Morning Post print edition as When reading aloud transforms lives