"It Takes a Village"

My children attend a local school in Hong Kong. This means so much more than simply Chinese being the language of instruction, because "local school" implies rote learning and standardized testing. And with that comes the stress of being tested. 

In Finland, students are tested at the beginning of a subject module to see what they know and don't know. Then they are quizzed at points over the ensuing weeks to check that they are learning the things that they don't yet know. But enough about Finland. I have not posted on my blog for more than one year, and what has spurred me to action is not a desire to do a comparative study of education systems. 

The reason I feel compelled to write is that kids at my children's school are feeling stress because this week they receive their exam results, and I want to share my thoughts with other parents.

If my child does better than expected, I will praise his efforts, not his IQ or talent. Yes, of course I will be happy and proud, but instead of "Wow, my awesome boy, so good, so smart!", experts suggest saying to him, "Wow, you really tried and your efforts were rewarded. You're lucky the exam covered things that you studied hard for, and good for you for getting such a good mark!" 

If my child does worse than expected, it's okay to be unhappy. But my unhappiness will be expressed with concern rather than with anger. It's okay to share my worries and my lack of knowledge with my child: "I worry that this will affect your acceptance to high school." "I don't know how to help you prepare for exams, can you tell me how I can help you do better on the next exam?" “Let’s talk about what happened and how you can improve your score on the next exam?”

After my child and I review and discuss exam results, I will move on to the important things in my life and my child's life: weekend plans, holiday plans, what my child has created in art class or has read during Reading Time... I have many things to focus on, and won’t let exam scores affect my time and relationship with my child.

If the school calls to tell me that my child was so upset with his exam result that he attempted suicide during recess, what would be my reaction? Shock? Premonition? Embarrassment?

(1) If I feel shock, then I don’t know my child very well. Yes, maybe my child is a skilled actor purposely hiding his feelings. But if I spend quality time with him, I should know his personality, capabilities and coping skills. If I feel shock, then it means that both of us need professional help.

(2) If I had a feeling this may happen, then I must already know that my child is over-anxious and/or capable of suicidal thoughts. If I am not surprised to receive this call from the school, then it means that I need to find professional help for my child right away. 

(3) If I feel embarrassed about what happened, then I am only focusing on what the school and other parents will think of me. If I think about my own reputation more than my child’s attempted suicide, then I need professional help.

So, it seems that, no matter what my reaction is, the answer is professional help. Seeking professional help doesn’t mean that I am a bad parent or that my child is defective. Seeking professional help means that I am willing to admit that I cannot handle everything by myself, that I want to improve: my parenting skills, my child’s emotional state, and our parent-child relationship.

I cannot wait for something serious to happen before seeking help. I should not let “face” prevent me from seeking help. 

Foodies love recommendations about good restaurants. Yoga enthusiasts love to improve their technique from good teachers. Feng shui believers want advice from masters. If I love my child, if I am enthusiastic about my child and if I believe in my child, then I need to talk to people. 

"It takes a village to raise a child." Reach out, learn, seek advice. 

Christmas Novels for Youth (Ages 10+)

I just ordered a bunch of books for December reading and just can't wait another minute to tell you about them. Never mind that Halloween hasn't even arrived yet, or that I have a hundred things on my To-Do List...

This is just a book list, please click the book cover to get more information from Amazon. No book review, because almost all of them are hot off the press.

I know these may tend to lean heavier on romance, but hey, it's Christmas and no one wants to write a dystopian Christmas story.

(Click HERE for my list of Christmas-themed picture books for children ages 3+)

My True Love Gave to Me: Twelve Holiday Stories edited by Stephanie Perkins

Anthology with contributions by two of my favorite authors in the young adult field: Rainbow Rowell and Matt de la Peña.

Father Christmas and Me by Matt Haig

The first book A Boy Called Christmas was a bestseller translated into over 25 languages, and it was followed by The Girl Who Saved Christmas. This third title has all the makings of an unforgettable adventure: The adopted human child of Father Christmas dealing with the challenges of Elf School faces her biggest challenge when a jealous Easter Bunny tries to destroy Christmas.

The Afterlife of Holly Chase (by Cynthia Hand)

A retelling of A Christmas Carol may not hook everyone, but who can resist a tale with a twist: Teenager Holly gets a visit in the same way as Scrooge in the Charles Dickens classic. But instead of repenting, she remains selfish and spoiled and then... dies! The suspense of this mere plot summary is already killing me. Can't wait to read it.

Nutcracked (by Susan Adrian)

As if the Nutcracker ballet isn't fantastical enough, the author has added one more layer to the timeless tale: A girl (Georgie) who dances the part of a girl (Clara) who falls into a fantasy world, also finds her own real and fantasy world becoming blurred.

Top Elf by Caleb Huett

For those who love a good laugh, how can you not guffaw when reading about Santa's eldest son, whose first name is... Klaus.

The 12 Dares of Christa by Marissa Burt

There are people who just absolutely love Christmas, and I'm one of them. So I can feel the pain of the "holiday junkie" girl in this story, who is so very *not* looking forward to her mother's plans to take her to Europe for her first holiday away from home.

The Twelve Days of Dash & Lily by Rachel Cohn & David Levithan

A holiday romance to follow bestseller Dash & Lily's Book of Dares (a cute New York story about a romance that resulted from a red notebook and the scavenger hunt that ensues).

Let It Snow by John Green, Maureen Johnson, Lauren Miracle

Three interconnected stories from three bestselling authors. Enough said.

Teenage Daughters

For parents who are experiencing, enjoying, and/or preparing for life with teenage daughters:

Two non-fiction books on my To-Read list: Lisa Damour's "Untangled" and Peggy Orenstein's "Girls and Sex".

Five years ago, Orenstein wrote "Cinderella Ate My Daughter", which was perfect for me at that time because my elder daughter was in kindergarten and going through a loooong phase of wearing only pink. And now that my and the author's daughters are growing up, she has written this new book for parents of tweens and teens. All I can say is, I'm so glad there were no camera phones and social media platforms when I was a teenager. The crazy things my friends and I did (or were rumored to have done) faded in oral history, with the only possible recorded evidence being some random diary entry in curly cursive writing buried deep within boxes of old stuff that still haven't been thrown out.

"Untangled" goes through the seven stages that teenage girls go through: (1) parting with childhood, (2) joining a new tribe, (3) harnessing emotions, (4) contending with adult authority, (5) planning for the future, (6) entering the romantic world and (7) caring for herself.

Ultimately, I think it's about girl power, a strong parent-child bond and a family that focuses on what's inside rather than what's on the surface (or whatever is the image we want to present on social media).

Nothing screams girl power more than "Good Night Stories for Rebel Girls", by Elena Ravioli and Francesca Cavallo. A crowdfunding project recommended to me by a girlfriend who is raising her own little rebel girl, and illustrated by more than 60 female illustrators, this book is "the most-funded original book in the history of crowdfunding". These stories are actually one-page biographic tales of extraordinary women pioneers. There are the usual suspects such as Amelia Earhart, Helen Keller, Jane Goodall and Marie Curie. There are also less obvious additions like supermodel Alek Wek, rock star Joan Jett, ballerina Misty Copeland and architect Zaha Hadid. With stories of 100 women from around the world, what I appreciate most, in reading together with my daughters, is learning about women who are not household names (at least not in our household), including scientist and president of Mauritius Ameenah Gurib-Fakim, motocross racer Ashley Fiolek and elementary school student Coy Mathis.

"Funny Girl: Funniest. Stories. Ever." is a collection of laugh-aloud humor from some of the best children's writers today, including Cece Bell, Lisa Graff, Lenore Look and Raina Telgemeier. Published just in time for summer holidays, there's nothing more empowering and inspiring for young girls than seeing women entertain and delight audiences using the power of language and not their physical appearance.

While the above two books are great for reading aloud with the young ladies in your home, some books are best savored alone in a cozy book nook:

Off the top of my head, I can think of a dozen books featuring strong female protagonists. However, the two that I feel every teen should read are Gail Carson Levine's "Ella Enchanted" and Judy Blume's "Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret".

"Ella Enchanted" resonates with me because I'm always conscious of Chinese parents' need to put obedience and good behavior above all else. Why, I often argue with my Hong Kong-raised husband, is a child a bad girl simply because she disagrees with her parents, or got up on the wrong side of the bed, or wants to be expressive by clanging on noisy toys? In this novel, Ella is put under a spell that compels her to be obedient: gift or curse? The above book cover is the 20th anniversary edition that is hot off the presses.

Judy Blume's book introduces pre-teens to the various topics surrounding sex and religion. Originally published in 1970, you can see that the current edition's book cover has been updated for the texting generation. When my daughters are old enough for this, my approach would be for them to read it first, and then we can have conversations about the story and the themes.

It's been six months since I last posted on this blog. All this talk of books and daughters has me dreaming of starting my own mother-daughter book club in a few years' time.

Happy Summer!